The lovely woman (I will refer to her as "J") who I have been visiting in Ward 2 died this morning. When I arrived early to visit her today, the sweet nursing student who has been interpreting for me got tears in her eyes and broke the news to me. I was not entirely surprised because J has been very ill but it does not make the loss of her life any easier to deal with. I guess there was a part of me that was not expecting it though. Last week I had met with the hospital social worker and we worked together to get J on an IV drip and back on ARV treatment. I guess I thought she was going to get better and be a bit stronger the next time I saw her.
This morning as I stood over her tiny little body that was covered by the colourful sarong she always wore, I couldnt help but feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. I told her I was going to visit her yesterday, and I didnt make it there. I worked until 7pm at Ward 14 and was exhausted.... so I went home and ate dinner, relaxed and went to bed. Instead of visiting her for 15 minutes...
I never thought that through the time that I knew J that I could save her life. I wanted to show her respect and compassion and help her to pass in a comfortable and dignified way. But by not visiting her last night, and by not being able to say goodbye to her, I worry that she thought I forgot about her. I only hope that in her final moments she knew that she was in my heart and that I truly cared for her. I hope that she is now in a peaceful place with people to love her and keep her company. I pray that her spirit is sensing the pain that I feel for her but also the joy, appreciation and honour that I feel for having briefly been involved in her life. She was a strong, brave and beautiful woman. -K
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